On a sunny afternoon in Charleston, South Carolina, a girl stood at the top of the steps of the auditorium and yelled over a crowd of people below, “Lara!”
Down in the plaza below, walking quickly towards the parking lot, Lara tucked her diploma under her arm and held her hands up to each side of her face to conceal her identity.
"Everyone's staring at me!" she thought to herself. "They keep staring at me!"
"Lara!" the girl yelled out again.
Keeping her head down, Lara continued towards the parking lot with a determined gate, looking as if she were trying to be small and unnoticeable.
Boys and girls all dressed in the same purple and gold graduation gowns mingled with their families and friends. Laughter and screams of elation burst out like cannon fire as Lara weaved left and right, wincing her eyes, and shuffling her feet in haste across the plaza.
The girl at the top of the steps pulled her graduation gown a few inches up from her feet and rushed down into the plaza, seemingly determined to get to Lara as quickly as possible.
"Lara! Wait!" she yelled out.
Lara stumbled and fell when she lost her footing stepping down from the curb to the parking lot asphalt.
"Ah!" she cried, struggling to pick herself up.
"Lara! Stop!" the girl continued to call.
Lara saw a van a several rows into the parking lot and turned behind it, shielding herself from view of crowd.
"Oh my God, Lara!" the girl said, finally reaching the panicked girl.
"Julia!" Lara cried, grabbing hold of her gown and pulling her in close for a hug.
"Hey, it's okay. I'm here now, I'm here."
"I'm sorry! I'm sorry!"
"I know, it's okay. Just breathe, okay? Just breathe."
"They just all started looking at me!" Lara explained, clutching her friend while laying her head on Julia's shoulder. "I could hear them all whispering and giggling, and telling each other things about me. And the whole audience started talking and laughing when they called my name! I just hate it here! I just hate it here!"
Tears flowed down Lara's face and soaked into Julia's graduation gown. Julia, who stood several inches taller, held on to her, patting her gently on the back.
"I know Lara, I know."
"And oh my God! Teresa was there!"
Julia took in a surprised breath. "I know! I saw her!"
"I mean, she just stood there staring at me with her arms folded, and she had this mean look on her face. I mean, what am I supposed to do? She's never going to let me move on! I mean, I don't need this right now! I've got a lot going on, and I can't deal with this right now!"
"I know Lara." Julia comforted, patting her back softly. "She had no right to be here. No right."
"Oh my God!" Lara shrieked with a grimace, pulling herself away from Julia. "This gown is horrible! I'm just sweating in this thing!"
Lara pulled her graduation gown up over her head, revealing a fully nude, moderately tanned body.
Julia put a hand up to her mouth, trying to conceal a smile while looking in all directions. "How did I know you'd be naked underneath!"
Lara sloppily folded her gown in haste and began fanning her body.
"Oh my God! That's so much better!"
"Just breathe deep Lara. Come on, slowly..."
Lara closed her eyes, fanning herself, and taking in long deep breaths. Her dirty blonde hair waved with the air movements she made.
"Well, high school is all over now. You did a great job of sticking it out!"
"I know right!" Lara coughed, trying to answer in the middle of taking a deep breath.
"Hey, where's your family?" Julia asked.
"They didn't come."
"What? Nobody came?"
Lara took in another deep breath. "My mom said she was going to be here, but I never saw her."
"Oh, you poor thing!" Julia consoled, reaching her arms out and pulling Lara's naked body in for another hug.
"Yeah, typical, right?"
"Well hey... My parents and I are going to Domo's right now for pizza. Come with us, okay?"
Lara made the kind of smile that expressed thanks but no thanks.
"I can't. I really just want to go home."
"Okay. Well, my parents are waiting for me back there. I guess I better go back. But, I'll call you tonight, okay?"
"Yeah, sounds great."
"Oh, here." Julia said, handing Lara's diploma to her. "You dropped this back there."
Lara looked surprised, looking at her hand clutching her graduation gown, and coming to the realization that she no longer had the diploma in her possession.
"Oh my God!"
"Well, I guess you were in quite a panic!
"Thank you!"
Julia smiled. Her face seemed to express satisfaction. Lara appeared to have calmed down. "Remember, I love you, okay?"
Lara nodded and smiled.
"Bye!" Julia waved her hand, walking away.
Lara took in several more deep breaths then gingerly put her graduation gown back on. She stepped out from behind the van and yelled out to Julia, "I love you!"
Julia turned around from several yards away, put her fingers up to her lips, and blew a kiss back.
***
Walking into her home, Lara tossed the diploma on the coffee table and proceeded straight to her bedroom. She undressed herself nude and sat down on her bed.
Inside the drawer of her night stand laid an eight-by-ten class photo from her first grade. Lara's photo was at the very end. Just below hers was the photo of Miss Stanton, her teacher. Lara laid down on top of the covers and held the photo with her right hand while reaching down in between her thighs with her left to sooth herself.
She dropped the photo to her side, cocked her head and torso to the left, and withdrew into her mind where memories mixed with fantasies and conjured up a six-year old girl, forever in first grade, trapped deep inside...
Lara approached with a wide smile of anticipation. She lifted her arms up as Miss Stanton picked her up and sat her down on her lap.
"Look, I brought flowers for you!" Lara said proudly."Oh, why thank you Lara! You're so sweet!"
"I picked them myself!"
"So nice! Here, I'll put them in this little vase and leave them on my desk. That way, I can always see them and think of you!"
Somewhere along in her upbringing, Lara had sexualized the memory of Miss Stanton twisting fact into fantasy. Slow, gentle touches were all that were needed to keep her dissociated from reality and her anxieties at rest.
"Lara?"
Her mother stood on the other side, putting her ear to the door to listen carefully for a response. There was none. She opened the door slowly, enough to look with both eyes to see if Lara was inside.
The years had not been kind to her mother. Lara's father had run away before she was born, leaving her to find work while trying to nurse a newborn baby. Giving birth to two more sons out of wedlock only made her more busy, denying Lara the love and nurturing she needed. Now at age forty, the wrinkles and graying hair had become pronounced. The life she wanted seemed to have passed her by. She stopped wearing makeup, stopped wearing pretty dresses, and stopped holding on to hope she could be married someday.
She walked in slowly and quietly, so as not to disturb her troubled daughter. She held Lara's diploma in her hand. She eased herself down on the edge of the bed, taking time to rest her weight carefully on the mattress, then placed her hand on Lara's foot, rubbing it gently.
Lara continued to soothe herself, unaware her mother had entered. Her mother, by contrast, had witnessed her daughter in this six-year old alter many times before, and was all to aware of her traumatic experiences, her dissociative identity disorder, and her struggles with anxiety.
Lara opened her eyes to find her mother sitting before her.
"Hi Mommy!" she smiled.
"Hi Baby." her mother answered. "How are you feeling?"
"I saw Julia today!"
"Oh, that's wonderful! She's such a sweetheart."
"She's going to call me tonight!"
"That's good. Did you have a good time at the graduation ceremony?"
"Yes!" Lara nodded and grinned. "I got my diploma!"
"I saw that! I brought it here for you."
Lara grabbed the diploma to look at it, then turned it around to show her mother with pride. "I graduated!"
Her mother smiled.
"I know. I'm very proud of you. Well, I just came in to see how you're doing, that's all. Can you give Mommy a hug?"
Lara sat up and hugged her mother.
"I love you so much!" she whispered.
"I love you too Mommy."
"Well I have to go. I'm meeting friends in downtown, but I'll be back to kiss you goodnight, okay?"
"Okay!" Lara said.
Her mother got up and walked towards the bedroom door, turning to smile at her daughter, then closing the door. Lara laid back down and continued to soothe herself, falling back into her memories...
"It would be so much fun to do your hair Lara!" Miss Stanton said. "We could put in some curls and a cute little flower barrette.""That would be fun!" Lara smiled.
"Well you're just a little sweetheart!"
